Letters from the Heart
by Naisa
Summary: Set during series 3. What if Cutter knew the end was coming, that soon he was going to die? So he wrote a series of letters to those he cared for most, just in case he would never be able to tell them how he really felt, letters from the heart. Chapter 8 - Helen's letter. Story now complete!
1. Connor

_Greetings fellow Primeval fans!_

_This is a fic I thought up with and wrote quite a long time ago, but I didn't think they were particularly well written or that anyone would want to read them, so I never got round to putting them up. However when Primeval series 5 returned on ITV (woop!) I remembered them and thought, what the heck, I'll put them up :) _

_So these are going to be a series of letters of what Cutter might have written to people if he knew he was going to die. This first one is Cutter's letter to Connor. I hope it's ok, I'm not sure whether to carry this on so if you want to read more please post a review saying and I shall put the others up too :) _

_Oh and I know the title sounds pretty cheesy, so if I carry these on I might change the title too!_

* * *

1. Connor

Connor watched as the last of the Professor's belongings that had been packed into boxes, being taken away. Cutter's office became empty surprisingly quickly. For all the clutter that once filled the room, there was actually very little there, or perhaps there was, but the fire had consumed most of it, leaving the walls blackened and a burnt smell that still lingered in the air.

Connor dimly wondered what would happen to all the Professor's things that had once filled the room. Where would it all go? To a safe? Someone else's desk? The dustbin? Wherever they would go, they would be forgotten, left to gather dust. Of course the important paper work would be saved to ponder over, but it was the little things that would be abandoned, and that suddenly mattered most. Cutter's name-tag he refused to wear, his well chewed biros, his favourite mug. All stuffed into big brown boxes as if they didn't matter any more.

It was just Abby and a few soldiers who were moving out the boxes. Everyone else was either working or found it too hard to clear out Cutter's office and throw it all away, like Connor. The most he could do was stand in the doorway and observe the silent work. He watched as Abby picked up a box full of paperwork that had been pulled out of Cutter's drawers, expecting it to be of no use to the ARC any more. Suddenly, as Abby looked sadly down at the box, she paused. A puzzled look grew on her face, making Connor concerned.

"What is it?" He asked.

Abby didn't respond at first. A slow hand reached into the box and pulled out an envelope. "It's got your name on it Connor…" she began.

Connor rushed forward, taking the envelope from Abby's hand. Sure enough, there was his name, written in Cutter's scrawny hand writing. Peering into the box, the two of them found several envelopes, each written upon them the name of a team member.

"I think they're letters," Abby said slowly, but when she looked up again Connor had disappeared. He had run off, clutching the last few words that Cutter would ever speak to him in his hand, as if they were made of gold.

Connor wasn't sure how long he had been running, or even in which direction. But those things didn't matter. As soon as he had found an empty and quiet spot – halfway down a dull-looking corridor - he tore open the envelope. He held his breath, Abby had been right, they were letters, and this one had been written just for him.

_Dear Connor,_

_I wasn't sure which order I should write these letters, who I should start with, they could be discovered in any order. But in the end I decided to start with you, because without you, I may never have discovered the anomalies. _

_If you hadn't approached me, if you had never spoken to me, I would have never gone to the Forest of Dean, I would never encounter the thing that would soon shape itself around my life and change my view of the whole world forever. Surprisingly, I don't mind. Should I have been furious that the anomalies have ruined my life, taken my wife and my Claudia away from me? But if I had a choice, I still think I would have gone into the forest._

_Did I ever thank you for running up to me that bright morning, and making me discover the most amazing thing that I have ever seen? I doubt it. So I will sat it now Connor; thank you._

_Before I continue, I must explain to you why I decided to write these letters. It may upset you, but the fact that you're reading this tells me you have confirmed what I believed would happen soon – I have died. I knew I wouldn't last long in a job like this, and the death of Stephen brought it all to the front of my mind, I will die soon. Please, don't be angry or upset about this, I prefer it this way, because now I am prepared, and I can say goodbye to all those who I care about the most._

_I must admit (and since this is a letter from beyond the grave, why not?) that out of all the team, you were the one I was closest to. I can't believe I would write that, no offence, but it's true. At first you were annoying and more troublesome than helpful, but I soon realised that the team needs you. And now you're the one I trust most by far, you're the only one who believed about Claudia and you're the brightest spark in the whole of the ARC, even though there are times when you act like a complete idiot._

_I believe in you Connor, you can solve the great mystery of the anomalies, you're clever enough to work out how to close them. Don't let anyone else tell you any different._

_And don't tell Lester this, but really you're the head of the ARC. Even if you're rubbish with a gun, even if you sometimes arrive at work on a skateboard and probably spend more time playing computer games than actually fighting real monsters, you're the boss. You were my apprentice and deputy, and now you are the head of the ARC and all that it stands for._

_So Connor, I want you to remain brave and strong, because I never doubted you for a second, and I'm sorry if I ever let you think that._

_I just want to ask one small thing from you now, a promise that I hope you will keep:_

_Don't ever change._

_Oh and good luck with Abby. I can see the way you look at her; I know how you feel about her on the inside. Do you know that sometimes she looks back in the same way? I can see you two have a future together, and I wish you all the happiness with her that I never managed to have with the women I loved._

_Stay safe, and try not to do anything stupid._

_Yours,_

_Cutter._

Tears were pouring down Connor's face, and yet the letter helped him to smile and even laugh. It felt like an age since he smiled properly. He wished he could write a reply to Cutter, tell him that in his eyes, he was like a father to him, and he really didn't want him to leave. But it was too late for that now.

Connor held the letter frozen in his hand for a few moments, the last tears just trickling down his face, his bright eyes solemn. He tucked the letter in his shirt pocket, right by his heart, where it would stay.

He then turned and left the empty corridor, to go and do some work, because that's what Cutter would have wanted.

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Again if you'd like to read more please say :)_


	2. Abby

_First off, a massive thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I was blown away by the amount of reviews I got! The fact that people want to read more means a lot to me :)_

_So as you can see I have decided to carry on the letters! This next one is Abby's, again not very well written, but I hope you like it._

_Most of the letters aren't in a particular order, so if there is a specific character which you would like to read, feel free to say :)_

* * *

2. Abby

Abby didn't try to follow Connor when he ran off, she knew he needed to be alone. Instead, she gazed down into the box she was still holding, and fished around in the small pile of letters to see if her name was there.

Sure enough, within a couple of minutes Abby spotted the her scribbled name poking out beneath the chaos of papers and envelopes. She pulled it out gently; as if worried it might turn into dust when she touched it.

Setting the box down in a strangely calm way, Abby walked out of Cutter's old office and found a quiet space of her own – the lab created specifically for her, filled with elaborate and unusual plants. Abby sat down on a little stool in the corner, surrounded by humidity and the bright colours of the flowers, and opened her letter.

_Dear Abby,_

_It's been three years since I encountered you in the forest. Sometimes it feels like more, other times less, depending on how worn and tired I feel when I cast my memory back. But I can assure you, no matter how long ago it feels, I can still see it as clear as day. You impressed from the start; one of the first things you said to me was what to do when I encountered a living dinosaur. I had studied these ancient, extinct creatures all my life, but when they were alive and standing right in front of me, you knew more than I did. And I'm not usually this modest._

_It wasn't really a surprise to me then, how quickly you became a strong and important member of the team with your good morals, your caring nature, your intelligence and determination, not even giant spiders could hold you back! True, there were a couple of occasions when you disobeyed me, keeping Rex being a prime example, but I let you keep him because at the end of the day I could trust you. Besides, I'm not very good at obeying authority either!_

_It's never been an easy ride, this job, I think we all know that, but I just want you to know that I never wanted you to get hurt. My mind still turns to the day we were on the boat, I turned my back for a few seconds and you had vanished from sight. But I had a feeling that you were still out there, somehow. You weren't about to give up on life without a fight! Despite my worries, I think you'll be able to look after yourself and the rest of the team all right, better than me, especially if you're reading this letter. I gave up my fight, don't give up yours._

_From the very beginning, you've been taking great care and thought about the animals we have to work with. Neither of us wanted to kill them, unlike what some people, past and future, might think. So, before I end this letter with a final goodbye, I must ask you to do one thing to do for me, now that I'm gone: make sure you continue to take care of all the animals. Don't let whoever is going to replace me kill every living thing that wanders through an anomaly without a second though. Make your voice heard; keep up what we believed in. This is not a promise I need you to swear by, because I know you'll keep it._

_Oh, and by the way, did you know that you mean the world to Connor, and that he would do anything for you? I heard what he said when you were hanging over the edge of the cliff. He meant it. And I think you feel the same way too._

_Take care, and stay safe._

_Yours,_

_Cutter._

There was a strange sense of completion about the letter as Abby finished reading. Cutter had managed to explain his last thoughts and tie up all loose ends, something that he probably wanted to do for a long time. It seemed sad that he could only do so when he died. Abby sighed, breathing in the humid air and the exotic scents of the plants all around her. She hadn't realised she had been crying until a teardrop dripped onto the letter.

Abby would stand by Cutter's last request as much as possible from then on, and even though she wouldn't stay safe, as chasing after Helen through several anomalies would soon prove, she wouldn't give up without a fight.

Abby always kept the letter close to her, in fact both she and Connor would have their letters with them during their year in the Cratacious.

But all that was still to come, and as Abby folded the letter safely away in her pocket, oblivious of her future, she gave a small smile.

With the last part of the letter on her mind, Abby stood and went to have a word with Connor, because for once, the Professor had got it right when it came to romance.


	3. Lester

_Lester's letter today, this one's slightly shorter than the others so far, but I hope you like it :)_

_Don't forget to leave a review! Any thoughts on which character's letter you would like to read next?_

* * *

3. Lester

Lester looked down at the letter Abby, who had somehow volunteered to become the deliverer for the remaining letters, had just given him with a slight look of disdain. Although this annoyed Abby, she wasn't surprised; this was Lester after all.

"Oh good," he said, sarcasm in full flow that day. "the jabberings of a mad man, just my reading material!" He sighed, "even after he's dead you can't shut him up."

Abby gave him a dangerous glare. "If you don't want it, don't read it," she snapped at him, tears stinging her eyes as she stormed off.

Lester waited until Abby was completely out of sight, before running to his office as if his desk was on fire. He sat down in his chair, took a deep breath, and opened his letter:

_Dear Lester,_

_I wondered if I should write a letter to you, would you read it? Would you really want to read the words of a 'mad man' as you'll probably call me? I think though, that yes, yes you would. Because behind all the sarcasm, the tones of boredom and the expressions telling people you'd rather be anywhere else other than here, I think you do care about us. Why else would you come to work every day? Not for the money, even thought I'm sure it's an added bonus, but there are plenty of well paid jobs in the government, so why stay? So, even though the sentimental side of you is still questionable, I will write this letter to you, because I know that you do care._

_We never did get along, did we? Even if this job wasn't so dangerous and I lived a lot longer than I expected, we would never have got along. Don't take it personally – I don't think I would bother to listen to or obey anyone who was in your position, and I think you know that. Just make sure you that you replace me with someone who will irritate you just as much – I don't want you to have an easy time now I'm gone! And I know, what will annoy you most of all, above everything else, is that you will miss me._

_Just make sure you stand up for my team like you always have, even though you thought we didn't notice. I hate to admit it, but you do your job well. Look after my team, because since you're reading this, I know I won't be there to take care of them myself. Don't employ an idiot to take my place, but I trust your judgment, so I know whoever will replace me will do a good job. And I know when times get hard, it's your ob that's most likely to be in the firing line, but don't let the government replace you, as I said, you do your job well, and you're not the type of person who can be easily replaced._

_And if you are reading this letter, it will prove, with great frustration from you and a knowing smile from me, that I was right, you do care. There is more to you than sarasm and suits._

_At the end of the day, I've always been there to annoy you, haven't I? Even in death I have the last laugh. No hard feelings though._

_Look after everyone, and try not to annoy someone to the point that you're pushed through an anomaly or fed to a monster. _

_Yours, _

_Cutter._

The rest of the team would have expected Lester to be annoyed by what was said in this letter, surprised that he had even opened it. After all, the only thing that he and Cutter had in common was that they were both able to annoy each other to a point of insanity. Anyone watching Lester reading this letter would expect him to roll his eyes, throw the letter in the bin and get on with something that he considered a lot more important.

But Lester didn't throw it away, and he didn't seem annoyed. He simply stared at the letter for a while, before opening his top desk draw, which contained a photograph of the team he pretended not to have, along with Christmas cards from team members he pretended he had thrown away, and carefully placed the letter in there too.

Because after all, Cutter was right: Lester did care.


	4. Sarah

_Sarah's letter this time! :) but another short one I'm afraid._

_I'm thinking of doing Becker's letter next and then moving on to Jenny's - thoughts?_

* * *

4. Sarah

Sarah had gone to get some lunch when Abby went to give her Cutter's letter. Unsure of what to do, she left it on Sarah's desk next to the mysterious artefact, which had people baffled when they weren't grieving. It was strange for Sarah to sit back down again, and glance at an envelope that had come out of nowhere and was from a man who she thought to be dead. She looked around to see who had delivered the letter, but by the time she had returned the place was pretty much empty, everyone was off doing something else, leaving Sarah alone.

She carefully picked up the letter and tore open the envelope:

_Dear Sarah,_

_It feels like only yesterday that I burst into your life and scattered normality to the four winds as you discovered a professor with a gun, a dead co-worker and an ancient monster on the loose. If it wasn't for you we may have never realised the importance of the beast to the Ancient Egyptians, and that they had discovered a way of containing anomalies, a vital piece of information we now have ourselves._

_So I must thank you, but at the same time, I must apologise. I didn't think when I persuaded you to join my team the danger I was putting you in, I had been blinded by the excitement of our new discoveries about the anomalies, despite recently losing a friend to the same threat. It was the day Stephen died that I truly realised my own mortality, and how little time I might have left. And yet still I let you into this, I swung the doors right open and persuaded you to walk through. I can see in your eyes every day at work that you don't regret taking this job, but still I feel the need to say sorry I took you out of your world of safety and into one of monsters._

_This is a job of a lifetime, but is it worth a life? Since you're reading this, I know I'm dead, and I know for me it was worth every second, so perhaps it was. But for you, or anyone else on the team, would it be worth it? No, I don't think so, so no more heroic sacrifices please._

_I think the team members under-estimate your bravery and intelligence, they're happy to let you sit safely on the side while they take responsibility and battle the monsters. I don't want you to let them do that, I want you to show them the contributions I know you can make to the team while working on the field as well as in the lab. But please, stay safe._

_Bravery is a great thing, but being a hero requires great and a few too many sacrifices. Knowing me I probably ignored my own advice and went to do something stupidly brave and heroic, and that will be the very reason you are reading this letter. At the end of the day, I'm sure we'd all like to be heroes, but I am no hero, and an attempt to be one has probably just cost me my life._

_So please, be brave, but stay safe. Your life is too precious to sacrifice._

_I wish I had the time to get to know you a little more, but I am glad I got the opportunity to work with you Doctor Page._

_Take care and good luck with everything,_

_Yours,_

_Cutter._

Sarah could feel tears pricking at her eyes as she came to the end of the letter. She felt both humbled and privileged to receive this letter from Cutter. It saddened her however by how much regret she felt in his voice while reading this letter, but she felt taking on a job at the ARC was one of the best decisions of her life, and she would never look back.

And although Cutter denied it, he was a hero. No, he _is_ a hero.

After a brief pause, Sarah put the letter away in her desk draw and began to continue working on the artefact, constantly thinking about what Cutter had said in his letter and knowing that she would never forget it.

However Cutter's warnings about bravery was not enough to keep Sarah safe for long. When Abby, Connor and Danny vanished through an anomaly, she was one of the first to volunteer to try and find them again, and the first to become victim of a ancient predator on one of the failed rescue missions.

* * *

_I'm not sure how Sarah died, I looked it up and it said that she died on a mission to save Abby and Connor, so I sort of made it up from there! Hope you liked the chapter anyway._

_Please review! :)_


	5. Becker

_For those of you who weren't aware - there are a series of 5 mini episodes for Primeval about what happened between series 3 and 4, such as the loss of Sarah and Matt joining the team etc, I only found out about them the other day and they're quite good! They're called Primeval Webisodes and they can be easily found on youtube. Thought some of you might be interested if you didn't know about them :) thanks to Cehsja who told me about them!_

_Anyway, here's Becker's letter. This isn't one of my best, and I'm worried it might be a bit out of character, but I hope you like it. Jenny's letter will be coming up next! :)_

_Reviews much appreciated :)_

* * *

5: Becker

Abby found Becker back at Cutter's office, helping to clear out the last of the Professor's things. He was flicking through a collection of files, trying to find out what should be kept and discarded. It was strange to see paper in Becker's hands rather than a gun. There was a look of immense concentration on his face, but Abby could see in his eyes he was miles away, he was thinking about the man who had left these papers behind. He was the only man left in the office now, and the room was silent.

"Becker, I have something for you." Abby spoke quietly into the silence, holding out the letter.

The sound of her voice made Becker jump, which was surprising as very little could make this soldier jump. He looked down at the letter Abby was holding out to him, and instantly recognised Cutter's scruffy handwriting.

He carefully took the letter. "Thanks Abby," he said.

Abby gave Becker a small smile and then turned and left, knowing that he probably wanted to be alone when he read Cutter's last message.

Becker waited until Abby's footsteps had faded away and he was alone once more, before he opened Cutter's letter:

_Dear Captain Becker,_

_It seems a shame that I won't get to know you as well as other members of the team as, like Sarah, I have started writing these letters not long after you joined us. Perhaps we will be able to learn more about each other in the months that come, but I don't dare leave these letters any longer. I know my time will run out soon, I just don't know when. So I will spend this time to write a letter to you now._

_Even though we've only been working with each other a few weeks, I'm not sure how well we would have got along, even if I stayed and we worked together for years. Don't take it personally, you're a great man and I respect you, but on the field I feel a clash of personalities. If someone will offer you a gun you will take it. Someone offered me a gun on a mission once, I handed it back and asked for a torch. That's the difference between us, and no matter how long we might have ended up fighting against these anomalies together, and no matter how many monsters we may face, that difference will always be there. But right now, I feel that doesn't really matter, you're a good man and even though we could have very different opinions about things, I still value you as a team member._

_I know when Lester hired you he told you to take care of the team and keep them alive. If you're reading this, I know you'll probably feel angry or ashamed that you let me die, but don't blame yourself. I was probably the one who did something stupid and got myself killed, so it's not your fault, and I know you already take care of the team. Don't regret letting me slip from your grasp, once I die I will finally be at peace from the torment of losing loved ones . This is a very dangerous job, it's very hard to keep everyone safe, so don't blame yourself for everything that happens. _

_You're probably used to seeing people die, or having to tell a family that someone they loved is no longer with them, it's part of your job. But you don't have to do that for me, the ARC is my home and my family is everyone within it._

_So take care of everyone for me, and take care of yourself. Try to avoid any more stupid heroic acts or sacrifices that will get someone killed. I know I probably did something on those lines to get myself killed, but just make sure no one goes the same way as me and Stephen. And remember, don't blame yourself that I'm not longer with you._

_And do me another favour - annoy the hell out of Lester for me. Something tells me you might be very good at that, and try not to shoot everything that comes out of an anomaly unless you really need to!_

_I know you'll do a good job of looking after my family._

_Yours,_

_Cutter._

Becker was not one to show emotion, but he could certainly feel a great sadness building up inside him as he read this letter. He had seen many co-workers die, but no one had managed to give him a proper goodbye like this before, and this meant a lot to him.

He kept the letter with him all the time, not only to remember Cutter, but to remember all the others that had been lost over the years.

Becker tried his best to look after Cutter's family, and when he lost so many colleagues over the following year - Danny, Abby, Connor, Sarah - it tore him up inside. But he never gave up on his friends, and Cutter's letter reminded him in his darkest moments that it wasn't always his fault.

But that was all to come, first of all, Becker had to go and find Lester to talk about the safety of the remaining members of the ARC, and to annoy the hell out of him, of course.


	6. Jenny

6: Jenny

Jenny sighed as she stared at her empty office, clutching nothing but a cardboard box that held all her ARC possessions. It was so strange that so many things at the ARC had reduced to cardboard boxes, and too many similar rooms were becoming empty around her, running out of purpose once their owners had gone. She didn't want to leave another empty office, but she would rather leave at her own choice than come face-to-face with Death again. She had escaped its clutches once, Jenny doubted she would again.

She had said all her last goodbyes, and was taking one last wistful look at the ARC before silently departing, when she turned to see Abby approaching. She was clutching something in her hand and there was a worried look on her face, or maybe it was just sadness.

"I hoped to catch you before you go." Abby said, "I need to give you these." And she handed Jenny two envelopes.

Jenny looked down at the first one, and her heart almost stopped. It was her name, written in Cutter's handwriting. She didn't know what to think, whether she should be pleased to receive this, or devastated. It had all become too much after Cutter's death.

"Sorry," Abby added, "I didn't know who to give the other one too."

Confused, Jenny glanced at the other envelope. It had the words 'Claudia Brown' scrawled across it.

"Oh Abby," Jenny began in a soft whisper. "I can't...I can't take these," but when she looked up, Abby had disappeared.

Jenny looked back down at the envelopes. She had no idea what she should do with them. She couldn't bear throwing them away, but did she really want to open them and find out what was inside? But one of them had her name on it, Cutter wanted her to have it. She couldn't deny him a last request.

In the end, Jenny took the letters home with her. Sitting alone in her living room, she stared long and hard at the envelope with her name on it, still unsure whether to open it. She should be focusing on moving on, whatever was inside this could hold her back. But Cutter wouldn't have her put her name on this if he didn't want her to have it. Out of respect, she should at least see what was inside.

Slowly, Jenny opened the envelope, surprised to see a letter fall out of it. She had to read it now.

She took the letter in shaking hands, and read:

_Dear Jenny,_

_It'll be hard to say goodbye to you for the second time. Although for you, there was no first time, which is the strangest thing of all. But believe me, saying goodbye to you again is hard, very hard, so hard I don't think I can say the words to your face, so I'm writing you this letter instead._

_We didn't get off to a very good start, did we? A difference of opinion, you not taking the stairs, me calling you the wrong name all the time. Eventually though we managed to put our differences behind us, and I started to see within you the personalities of a woman I once loved - strong, clever and independent. I don't think I realised how much I cared for you, my history of women not being very good, I knew you had a fiancée and you didn't have any feelings for me. So I kept my already hidden feelings locked safely away where no one could see them, and I suppose over time I started to forget about them too._

_But you never know, perhaps I am writing too soon, maybe if my death is still a few years away, something might happen between us before it's too late. I know our situation is complicated, but it would have been nice if we'd given each other a chance, if the world gave us more time. However the world is not in our control, it shouldn't be in our control, so we just have to hope. _

_I would hate if anything happened to you after I'm gone, I think out of everyone in the team you're the least fighting dinosaur type, no offence, you're more of a people person, and although some people can be as nasty as the monsters, they usually don't come tumbling out of anomaly with a very bad temper. So please, look after yourself, you don't realise but I lost you once before because of this job, it must not happen again._

_Perhaps it would be best if you just forgot about me, got yourself another fiancée and moved on as soon as possible. You don't have to worry about me, I'm sure I'm fine, wherever I am. Just don't lose heart, and stick with the team, you need each other._

_Just stay safe, and stay happy, for me._

_Yours,_

_Cutter._

A sob broke the silence in Jenny's living room. No tears, not yet, it was just a cry of sadness, because it was too late. Too late to tell Cutter that she felt the same way and too late to see if anything would happen between them. The warning to stay safe came too late, and it was too late to tell her to stick with the team, because the danger and loss had chased her away.

Jenny felt a sudden urge to scream out in frustration. But what would be the point? It was too late to change anything now.

Instead, she took deep, steady breaths, and turned her attention to Claudia's letter.

* * *

_Oh a bit of a cliff hanger there! Well, not really, but now you know that Claudia's letter is next! H__ope you liked the chapter! :)_


	7. Claudia

_Sorry for the slightly delayed and shorter chapter today, but I hope you like it. _

_We've almost come to the end of the story people! :( There is one letter left after this one though, can anyone guess who it might be for? :)_

* * *

7: Claudia

_My Claudia,_

_I don't know if there's any point in me writing this letter to you, after all, you don't exist. To some, you never existed, which makes the pain of losing you even more unbearable. But there are so many things I want to say to you but never will be able to, so I just had to write them down._

_When I walked through the anomaly on that fateful day I assumed that everyone would be all right, everything would go to plan and that you'd be fine. I ignored all the warnings. And when I came back, you had disappeared, disappeared off the face of the Earth. No one even knew your name._

_It's my fault, something went wrong and I changed history, but I don't know what and I don't know how to change it back. So I let another woman I loved slip through my fingers. Sometimes I even wonder if you were real, or just a figment of my imagination, as everyone else thinks._

_But I swear I'm not mad. I remember you as clear as day, and if I think about it, I can still feel your lips on mine. You were real. But I tried to tell people and they refused to believe me, even when I'm so close to death I can't tell anyone the truth, so I write to you instead to say that I still believe in you, and that I don't care what anyone else thinks, because I love you._

_Now I suddenly feel so close to my own death, I have started to think that maybe there's a chance that you're still out there, somewhere. Some say when people die they go somewhere else, does that apply for those who have never existed at all? Will you be there when I die? I hope so, because I so desperately want to see you again, even if it's just to say sorry._

_I pretend that I don't think about such things though, I pretend that I've forgotten about you, so the people in the ARC continue with their lives, unaware that you ever existed. But once they did know you, and I still remember you. I think about you every night and I see you in my dreams._

_You're not completely gone though, there's someone working at the ARC like you. Well, she is you, but she isn't. I thought at first that she was you, but she's very different. That doesn't mean I don't care for her, she's a great person. In fact sometimes I don't understand how I really feel about either of you, and it fills me with rage that I can't find happiness with a woman I truly love._

_But perhaps, when I reach my end, it is with you that I will step into the unknown with, and perhaps for the first time I may find peace and happiness with the woman I love. But I suppose I'll just have to wait and see._

_Forever yours,_

_Cutter._

The letter lay in Jenny's limp hand. She felt numb. Despite her letter, after reading this one she didn't know if Cutter ever loved her, he might have in the future, but now they would never know. What made things worse, was that he didn't just love another woman, he loved someone who was her...and yet wasn't. How was that possible?

But even Jenny had started to think that perhaps this Claudia Brown was real after all.

After what felt like hours of just staring at the letters, she managed to pull herself back onto her feet, and tried to think of what she should do with such letters from the heart.

In the end, Jenny chose a box, an antique one with carved patterns on the top and a gold-coloured clasp she'd had for years and once belonged to her grandmother. She kept it under her bed and it contained the things closest to her heart; her engagement ring, a locket her mother gave her, an old family photograph. She slipped Cutter's letter in the box as well, left to be forgotten, but they were still in her heart.

It wasn't easy forgetting about Cutter or the ARC. Jenny would often find herself sitting on her bed just staring at the letters, but over time she did so less and less. She thought it would be impossible to move on, yet somehow she did. She got another job, she got another boyfriend who soon became another fiancée, she built herself a new life.

However for the first time after reading the letter, Jenny felt like she knew Cutter, and even though she tried to lock the memories away in a box, some things are impossible to truly forget.


	8. Helen

8: Helen

Helen could feel the sun burning on her back as she trekked through the vast, endless landscape of an ancient world. There was nothing but rolling hills and tall grasses that scratched at her legs, with no trees to offer her shade. There was no other sign of life, but once or twice she heard the roar of a beast somewhere in the distance.

She paused for a moment as she reached the very top of one of the hills, surveying the dead world. She couldn't see much beyond the horizon, but Helen knew soon this barren landscape must end soon. She swung her rucksack of her back, only one thing on her mind now - water. There was no sign of any rivers, and she was running dangerously low. She would either have to find a stream or another anomaly soon. Anywhere would be better than this place, she decided.

But no matter how far she travelled, she couldn't shake off the thought that she had just killed her husband.

As Helen reached into her bag to find a bottle of water, she was surprised to feel her hand brush past something that felt like paper. But why would there be paper in her bag, what use did she now have for paper? Curious, and annoyed that someone else had clearly been in her bag, she pulled it out and found it was an envelope. Her name was written across it in Cutter's scruffy hand writing.

Helen looked around, as if expecting her husband to suddenly appear over the landscape. But of course, there was no sign. The last time she saw her husband, he was lying in a burning building, the last of his life draining out him. And she was the one who had put a bullet in his chest.

But it seems the man still had some tricks up his sleeve, and must have somehow found the time to, for some reason, slip this into Helen's bag when she wasn't looking. But why?

After a slight hesitation, but eventually being overcome by curiosity, Helen tore open the envelope and read:

_Helen,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you. I had decided to write letters to those I cared most about, and I'm not sure how your name came under the list. I know you don't care about me anymore, and I don't think I really care about you either. But I suppose there are just a few things I wanted to say before my time ran out._

_It's been over ten years ago now since you disappeared from my life for the first time. You just walked into a forest and vanished. I thought I had lost you, and it turns out, I was right. When you came back, you had changed, and not in a good way. I'm not sure what drove to the edge in the end. Was it the solitude? Perhaps the ability to go time travelling went to your head, the potential power you had in your hands or something you had witnessed made a permanent change to you. All of a sudden you had become a completely different person, not the woman I fell in love with. You are a stranger to me now._

_From then on, you caused nothing but trouble, and used people for your own gain, not caring about the consequences. It didn't matter to you if someone died. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one who caused my death. And yet I bet you'll be crawling back to the present to cause more carnage, because nothing ever pleases you._

_And it turns out even before you disappeared you had betrayed me, deciding to turn my best friend against me out of spite. But your plans don't work all the time, because what you don't realise, is that it doesn't take very long for people to see right through you, and realise that your heart is made of stone._

_I think I can safely say now that I no longer love you, too much has changed to feelings to remain. But do I hate you? Strangely, no. Even though I think I probably should. I suppose at first we were in a love-hate relationship, but soon all the love, and then all the hatred, burnt out of it. After so many years of this strange conflict between us, we now look at each other and wonder what could have ever been right between us._

_But still, I don't feel anger, if anything, I feel pity. You've gone mad with power and you've abandoned all the ones you used to love. You spend all your time alone and the only human contact you come into you immediately manipulate._

_Who wants a life like that?_

_If only you could go back to the woman you once were. But, from what I've learned, as soon as you step through an anomaly there's no turning back. And there's nothing I can say now, in the past or in the future, that will change you now._

_I just hope that one day you'll make the right decision._

_Cutter._

Even though Cutter had assumed that Helen wouldn't listen to any of his warnings, perhaps if he had said to her to stay safe, to remind her to be careful in worlds of the unknown. Maybe if he had told her that her plans would soon cause her downfall, Helen might not have ended up dead.

When Danny found Helen's rucksack, hours after her last and fatal encounter with a dinosaur, he searched through it, hoping to find weapons, food and water. What he didn't expect to find was a letter written to her by her husband, something everyone would assume she wouldn't care about, that she would throw it away straight after reading it. Yet she kept it with her. The last thing her husband had said to her she had carried along with her until death. She didn't throw it away.

So perhaps, despite all the manipulation and cruelty and plotting, there was more than one side to Helen than people actually realised.

* * *

_So, this was the last letter people! Sad times :( I know this was only a short story, but I hope you liked it!_

_A huge thanks to all those who posted a review for this story. It took me ages to post this because I was so unsure if anyone would be interested, and in some bits my writing isn't that good, so the fact that you both read and enjoyed the letters really means a lot to me :) _

_Anyway, just a bit of cheeky advertisement before I go! I've written a couple of other Primeval stories, as well as other things, which you are welcome to read if you like :) and I currently have a book on the Kindle too if you're interested :) there are details on my profile._

_Well, I think that's all I really need to say now. Again, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this fic! If you could post one last review to tell me what you think of the overall story and last chapter, it would be really nice to hear from you :)_

_All the best,_

_Naisa x_


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